FMA Reality
by Red Haired Lad
Summary: The Fma cast is thrown into some semblence of reality TV shows! And random things happen too...MAJORLY CRACK INDUCED! Summary written by McTully! Note: I am not responsible for any random implied Edwin comments because hey, it's crack induced.
1. FEAR FACTOR!

_Hey guys! This is my FIRST FANFIC!!!!!!!!!!!! McTully finally forced me—I mean LET me get a profile!_

**Speaking of McTully, you should all go to P. McTully's profile, as she is possibly the best writer in the history of forever---**

_MCTULLY THIS IS MY FANFIC! I GET THE MOST DIALOUGE!_

**NOT IF I'M TYPING YOU DON'T!!!!!!!**

_Curse my slow typing skills and your fast typing skills!!!!!!!!!!_

**Anyways, welcome to FULLMETAL REALITY!!!!!!!!**

_Do you really need to type in all caps?_

**Oh, you naïve little fool. I'm much more of a veteran than you are at this. Do not question my caps lock. **

_Okaaaay. Anyways, today's segment is…FMA CAST IN FEAR FACTOR! (Tor, tor, tor!)_

**In 3-D! **

_Actually, since I'm new to this and all, my budget's kinda low. Unlike yours, McTully-sensei, which is a multi-million dollar enterprise._

**So…no 3-D then? WAIT A MINUTE YOU CALLED ME SENSEI!**

_Yeah…you're kinda the inspiration, life coach, cliché crap…thing. _

…**WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEONE CALLED ME SENSEI!!!!!!!!!!!**

_Okay…now can we start the story?_

**Just one second. SENSEI! SENSEI! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! Okay I'm done.**

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0

"Welcome to Fear Factor! We supply everything you need and you pay us back with blood, sweat, and tears. But mostly blood. It just makes for good TV!" called Mary, Red Haired Lad's little sister."How was that, Big Brother????" she yelled off-screen.

"STICK TO THE SCRIPT!" Red Haired Lad yelled. "You're on live TV!!!"

"OKAY!"

"Now get back to work!"

"Alright, Big Brother, I love you!!!!!!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!"

**(Awwwww. **_YOU SHUT UP TOO. _**Can I adopt your sister? FOREVER? **_You think I'd trust my sister with you? _**IS THAT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SENSEI!??? **_I'm sorry Sensei! NO PLEASE NOT THE PIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)_

"While Big Brother's getting thrown into a Pit of Doom, let's get back to the show! Today we have the cast of Fullmetal Alchemist, competing for FABULOUS PRIZES!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" the auidience cheered.

"Here's the first event!!!!!!!!!" A quick look at the script—"Climbing through a pit of live fish!"

Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, McTully screamed and had a heart attack. But in this fanfic, she is immortal and therefore cannot die!!!!!!!!!! But Red Haired Lad CAN! Huzzah-I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! He was so young! I mean…something might happen!

"GET TO THE FRIGGING FANFIC ALREADY!"

"Geez, sorry! I'm new at this! And McTully's bullying me! I'll call the cops!"

McTully rolled her eyes. "Please. I OWN the cops."

"Really?"

"No. But I do own the Mafia, which owns the cops. I win!!!!!!!!"

"DARGH!"

Envy scoffed at the fish pit. "I'm like, soooo not going in there, cause like, I'll, like, break, like, a nail, and like…ya."

"YOU LOSE!" Mary screamed, thinking, 'I love having power', and pushed a button which opened a crevice under Envy.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Envy's screamed grew less and less loud. I mean softer. Sure. Stupid grammar.

"Hey, he's screaming for a pretty long time. How deep is that pit?" Ed asked.

"Really deep! I work hard!" Mary chirped.

"…kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk…"

"THE ABOMINATION IS DEAD!" Everyone screamed.

"And now that we have rid ourselves of the root of all evil, on to the first event."

"Are you sure I have to do this?" Ed asked.

"Do _you_ want a trip in the pit?" Mary threatened.

"N-no, I'll play."

"Good."

And Ed proceeded to climb, shriek, and bribe his way through the pit. (**Fish can be bribed?** _They can in my fanfic!!!_) Now that Ed completed the trial… On to the judging!

"THERE'S NO JUDGING ON FEAR FACTOR!!!" Ed yelled.

"Oh Ed," Red Haired Lad said, "you naïve little fool, don't you realize, in this fanfic… I OWN YOU!!!"

"O-okay, I'll get judged."

"Good boy, have a cookie." And while Ed enjoyed his cookie, the judges proceeded to judge.

"Well," guest judge Simon said, "since I never want anybody do well… you get a one."

"WHAT!??" Ed yelled, "WHY????"

"Because _you_ have a cookie… 'nuf said."

"I give you a ten!!!!!!!!!!!" McTully-sensei shouted- (_wait a minute, McTully!? You're a judge!?_ **I am now.**_ Okay… um… why? _** Because… is that a problem? **_N-no no, no problem at all. _**Good.)** Since Red Haired Lad's budget was so small, these were the only judges he could afford.

"And now," Mary said, "The _best_ choice, WINRY!!!!!" (_No comment_)

And thus, Winry proceeded to fight her way through the pit with her trusty, rusty wrench Kevin (_Yes, it has a name_).

"Well, that was pretty good," Simon said, "but-"

"PRETTY GOOD!? THAT WAS FREAKING AMAZING," McTully screamed, "YOU WIN!!!!!!!!!" _(But sensei, we haven't even done half the cast yet, how can we choose a winner?_** Because Winry was freaking amazing… wait, are you questioning me? **_N-no, not at all. ahem I hereby proclaim Winry the winner of FMA Fear Factor!!!!!!!_

"And I think we can all agree that that is an excellent choice," Winry said smugly.

_TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EDITION OF __**FULLMETAL REALITY!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

_Thanks for reading. Please tell me what you thought of my first fanfic. I will try to update… well, I'll just try to update. THANK YOU!!!_

_**PEACE AND LOVE YO!**_


	2. Wrath Contracts a Deadly Disease

_HI PEOPLES!!!!! This is my first fanfic alone…sob, it's so lonely. Since McTully won't be here, I guess… I have to… start… the story. _

**NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You will not write a fanfic with an opening of less than 50 words. IT DOES NOT HAPPEN!!!!**

_McTuly-sensei, YOU CAME!!!!!!_

**Duhhh, you can't write a fanfic without me! That, and I was sitting next to you and saw that you didn't include me, you know how I hate to be ignored.**

_Yes, and you know how I hate it when you take up all the dialogue!!!!_

**Ma bad.**

_You are forgiven._

**Hey!!! That's my line!!!!!**

_Sorry._

**You are forgiven my pupil.**

_Okay… so, can we do the story now?_

**Do you need my permission?**

_Yes. It's one of McTully's Laws of the Universe._

**What laws?**

_The ones that you keep in your back pocket._

**Oh… okay.**

_Okay kids, story time!_

**Ewwwwwwww.**

_SHUT UP!!!!!_

"Wrath, I have some bad news."

"What is it doctor?"

"Wrath, you've been diagnosed with macrophiligiberitus!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Wait, what's macrophiligiberitus?"

"It's a deadly disease."

"Are you sure you didn't just make it up for the sole purpose of this fanfic?"

"Uh, yes."

"Then NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! What am I going to do doctor?"

"Well, you're gonna' die." The doctor said… no more monkeys jumping on the- nooooo, I won't do it… no more… monkeys… jumping on the- no, think of happy thoughts, puppies, no. Ice cream, no, but close. Fat people falling over… nice! Okay, I'm done.

"Besides that."

"Oh, well I dunno."

"If only I could have seen her one last time…"

"**Who?"**

"Umm… you! And here you are, now all my dreams have come true!"

"**YAYYYYY-"**

"Now get out."

"**Awwwww."**

"So doctor, what am I gonna do?" Wrath yelled to the heavens.

"Wrath, I'm not in the heavens, I'm right here, and as far as the answer to your question, you're going to die, but the one comfort you can take is that you can order the people you love around mercilessly."

"I'm listening."

"Wrath, you're not thinking about doing that are you?"

"But you suggested it."

"Well I didn't think you would take it seriously." The doctor stammered.

"Oh, is me taking that seriously a problem?"

"N-no it's fine"

"Good, now get me a cookie, a really big one!"

"I'm not your slave!"

"Oh, so you think that getting a poor, terminally ill child a cookie beneath you? Is that it?" (**THAT BETTER NOT BE IT!!!!!!!**) Thus heeding the subtle warning from McTully, the doctor hurried off to get Wrath a cookie. "A really big cookie!" My bad, a really big cookie.

"Wrath, you okay?" Red Haired lad asked. _Talking in 3__rd__ person is FUN!!!_

"Get me a bigger bed."

"I ain't your sla-"

"I'm going to die."

"I mean right away your highneeness."

"I love having power." Wrath said chuckling to himself.

"Wrath, what are you doing?" Ed asked, just now coming in because we need another FMA character otherwise it's not a fanfiction.

"I'm bending people to my will!" Wrath said cheerfully, explaining the Situation to Edward. Oh yes. It's capitalized.

"Wrath your crazy! That kind of thing only happens in movies and fanfics."

"SO!!!"

"SO!?" Ed yelled, "Do you want to tear apart the very fabric of time and space!?"

"Uh… yes?"

"… well… uh, can I help." Wrath, caught off guard, hastily agreed. Ed, hearing this response, skipped off into the sunset as free as a young school girl, which is odd because Ed is in fact a man… or is he?" (**YOU BET HE IS!!! **_Do you have proof?_ **Better, I have pictures!**_ Perfect, just frickin perfect._** Oh, no worries, I didn't take them… Winry did.**_ Of course she did, of course._)

"Hello, I'm still dying here!" **(AND YOU'RE ABSOLUTLY ADORABLE!!!)**

"Thanks. Oh, wait, I see a light. Oooh, there's someone at the end… he's saying "Wrath you lazy bum get off my couch!" Hmmmmm, what could that possibly mea-"

_**IN THE PRESENT!!!!**_

"I SAID GET OFF THE COUCH!!!!!!!"

"Oh, Red Haired Lad, you've returned… where's my new bed?"

"What? Oh, you were having the 'I-have-a-deadly-disease-and-I'm-going-to-make-people-do-what-I-want' dream again didn't you!"

"Howgia guess?"

"One, McTully-sensei's tied up in the corner-"

"I DON'T MIND!!!!!!"

"I know you don't McTully. As I was saying, two, you have cookie crumbs all over you. Third and finally, you're Envy voodoo doll is strapped to a firecracker with a ridiculously long fuse."

"Okay, but how does that tell you that I was having the deadly disease dream?" Wrath asked.

"Oh, that's what you wanted to know, well elementary my dear Wrath… you were screaming 'AHHHHHHHHH, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!' for the past four hours."

"Ohhhhhhhh. So how are we going to end the fanfic?"

"I GOT IT!" And the firecracker with the Envy voodoo doll strapped to it went of and flew into the night sky were it proceeded to explode in a fiery inferno of awesomeness. After said explosion Envy exploded too and everybody was happy.

_Thanks for reading everybody! Hope you liked it! REVIEW OR I'LL SICK MCTULLY AND HER AWSOME STORIES ON YOU!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_


	3. Wrath's Problem

_Hey peoples! It is I, Red Haired Lad! Sorry for not updating in so long. I honestly should have A.D.D. but I don't and I've had writers block for the past two weeks, so I couldn't concentrate. I'm really sorry that these openings are so short. McTully isn't here so I have no one to yell senselessly at. I know, I'll yell at myself. You're stupid. No you. No YOU! … It doesn't fill the void! Oh well, story time!_

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Ed was walking down the hall going to "talk" to Winry when he noticed something strange. The door to the coffee room was open.

"That's strange." Ed thought, "The only person who would ever consider drinking coffee is Roy, but he's in Canada because someone named 'Batty' asked him to come. Weird."

As Ed walked in to the room, he was suddenly hit from behind and dragged down a secret elevator shaft. His kidnapper, McTully. No that didn't _really_ happen, or did it? Hmmmm... well back to the story. Ed walked in and who did he see, Wrath!

"Wrath?" Ed asked, "Watcha' doin'?"

"Nuthin."

"Why do you have a coffee mug in your hand?"

"No reason."

"Uh huh… why is your hand jittery?"

"Cus' I'm… uh… sick, yeah, terribly sick –cough- -wheeze-"

"Well then I guess I should leave." Ed said inching away from the 'sexy shrimp phsycopath' as McTully calls him.

"No! Don't leave!"

"Why?"

"Because 'she' might come."

"Who?"

"I dunno, but doesn't it sound ominous."

"I guess." Ed said.

"Darn, they're on to me." 'She' said. Feeling depressed, 'she' flew on her monkey shaped cheese-it's to Superhappyland to live out her miseries in the form of an ice cream bowl.

"So, Wrath, what's with the coffee mug?"

"… Okay, you broke me down. I confess, I'm a caffeine addict. What should I do?

"Well," Ed said, "I would seek professional help."

"You really think that would work?"

"No, but I'm not the one going, so I say go for it!" With that positive message in mind, Wrath tried to find help. He stumbled upon a clinic that almost seemed made for him. (**BECAUSE IT WAS MADE FOR HIM!!!**_ McTully! You're here?_ **No stupid, I'm just a figment of your imagination that's sole purpose is to advance the plot line and to make random remarks.**_ Really?_** No, my disembodied head is floating beside you because I've discovered the secret to immortality.**_ Really really?_** Yes. **_COOL!_** Idiot.)** Anyway, Wrath walked in and the clinic began, like magic!

"Hi everyone, I'm Wrath, and I'm a caffeine addict."

Everyone: "Hi Wrath." …With the most difficult portion of the clinic over, Wrath proceeded to tell his life story, why, because he could.

"Well, it all started five minutes ago. I stole Roy's Pepsi thinking that it was a lactose free milk can, but I was wrong. I took one sip and I was hooked. I had heard the stories, Pepsi can get you hooked in a sip, but I didn't believe them. I went to the coffee room and was about to hit the hard stuff, Starbucks, when Ed stepped in and intervened. I w-was so close to going over the edge, that pretty, white, caffeinated edge, must go towards light… AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"He's gone into denial, take him down!" And so, Wrath was tranquilized and was a caffeine addict no more. YAY!!!!! And because I'm lazy as heck, this is where I end my chapter! YAYYYYY!!!!!

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_Really sorry that this is the best I could do for my third chapter. Tell me what you thought and if you hated it, I won't do it again. THANKS SO MUCH TO THE REVIEWERS THAT I HAVE NO PERSONAL CONNECTION WITH BECAUSE IT'S THEIR COMMENTS THAT MAKE ME WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE… unless they're mean comments, then they just make me depressed._

_**REVIEW OR DEVOUR YOUR SOUL I WILL!**_


	4. Because I Could

_HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is the fourth edition of the globally popular series "FMA Reality!" Wait, I'm getting breaking news… uh huh… okay, we have just received news that "FMA Reality" is not globally popular. –sniff- There go my hopes and dreams. All I ever wanted was to become an internationally popular fanfic writer that charmed audiences with the slightest smile and that held his enemies in a vice like grip of influence. … Oh well, I can settle with being a two bit hack that writes unknown fanfics for anyone who can read. It all starts with baby steps. _**Note:**_ I am not depressed, I just needed a random opening for the chapter. YAY FOR OVERACTIVE IMAGINATIONS!!!!_

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Roy was happily watching Ed playing catch with a telephone pole when he heard a noise. It was a cry for help!

"I must spring into action!" Roy declared heroically.

"Why?" Ed asked, completely forgetting his riveting game of catch, "You don't have super powers."

"Yeah I do!"

"Since when?"

"Since I got bitten by my pet spider five days ago."

"Roy, that wasn't a spider, it was your cat."

"I have a cat?"

"No Roy, you don't have a cat, and you're really an international spy sent here to infiltrate and sabotage our government, thus rendering us completely vulnerable to attack."

"Really?"

"Yes Roy, really." Ed said sarcastically.

"Well, thanks kid, I needed that. Enemy agents must have used their amnesia ray to make me forget my mission… you didn't see anything."

"Great, now I have to go to counseling for this little episode… but wait, what about the cry for help?"

"I'm on it!" A mysterious voice answered.

"Le gasp, it's Super Winry (all copyrights go to P. McTully whose stories are awesome. Read them now! …oh wait, come back, I meant after you read this. COME BACK! –Le sigh- oh well, finishing the fic)!

"Yes, it is I, here to save the day!" Thus, Super Winry went off and vanquished the forces of Barny, Mickey Mouse, and the Telletubbies in a fierce battle of rock-paper-scissors. Thus, the three great evils of the world vanquished, Super Winry, McTully, Ed, and I proceeded to enjoy a large plate of butternut crudmuffins and yes, there are leftovers for all of you readers –throws muffins into air- YAY!

"HI ED!" Wrath yelled.

"Wrath, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just finished my caffeine therapy and it's a whole new me!"

"Okay… what does that have to do with me?" Ed asked.

"Oh, I've decided that you're my new best friends." Thus, Wrath took a picture of Envy out and ripped it in half. Envy, in a galaxy far far away doing… Envy things, screamed and died. Hearing the news, the world rejoiced by having the world's largest Sock Puppet Theater, and everyone was happy but Envy, but he's dead so he doesn't count.

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_Sorry about this chapter being short, my writers block returned halfway through. Hope you enjoyed these random… ramblings. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER EXCITING EPISODE OF FMA REALITY!!!!! _

_REVIEW!_


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